Interview-ness

Well, I had my interview this morning.

Sigh.

You know, within a week of being laid off from work, I got a job offer from an investment banker. At the time, the economy had started to crumble, but I don't think anyone quite realized the severity of the situation. I turned the job offer down. It paid slightly better than my former position, but the folks I had interviewed with were like corpses in business suits. I couldn't get... well, anything out of them. I kept searching for a sign of humanity, a smile or something. Desperate to make some kind of human connection with them, I even threw out a couple of jokes. Nothing. I had assumed that I completely bombed the interview, so it was definitely a surprise to receive the job offer.

I should have jumped on it. I should have. But all I kept thinking about were those interviewers who seemed so miserable, so completely deathlike, and I imagined the job sucking away any last vestige of spirit, individuality, creativity, and silliness that I retained. I was positive that a job like that would drain my soul bone-dry.

My boyfriend at the time thought I was crazy. And I suppose, in a way, he was right. But it's hard to describe the complete and utter panic that clawed at me when I visualized myself being swallowed up by that company. I wanted to be me, not a bad carbon copy of myself, a vague humorless imprint.

If I was offered that job again today, would I take it? Hell, yes. Would I stay there once the economy righted itself? I doubt it.

I felt the same kind of panic today at my interview, for different reasons. It wasn't a high-end financial firm this time, just a little chintzy office run by a quack of a guy who invents "health" aids that don't actually do anything, that nobody actually needs or uses except really paranoid/OCD people who buy everything they see in airplane catalogues (i.e., oxygen bars, personal UV lights to kill bacteria, et cetera). He was a bit of a pompous, insensitive ass, but I suppose not intolerable. The overwhelming, pervasive feeling of the office though... it was one of depressing resignation. Four or five people in one room, sitting at their computers, ignoring one another, keyboards clacking as they processed orders and data. When I walked in, no one looked up. No one spoke. Just clacking keyboards.

I suppose I should feel good that I even got in to interview - the owner told me that he had received over 1,000 resumés for the position. He is looking to make a decision by tomorrow, so at least by then I will know, no dangling and wondering here. I tried to muster up enthusiasm and put on my "interview face", but I don't know how well I did. I'm not much of an actor, and from the moment I entered the door, I felt heavy and overwhelmed with sadness. Everything just seemed grey. Somehow, I managed to keep the interview going for about a half an hour - asking my pre-selected questions, specifically chosen to maximize the appearance of my interest in the company.

Lest you think that I am picky and a whiny, selfish, spoiled brat - believe me, if I am offered the job, I will take it. And I will smile every day that I walk in there, no matter how much of a dead end I feel it is. I am under no illusions about the precariousness of my situation, or the likelihood that I will be offered another position anytime soon. Yes, I will take it.

I post my personal feelings and fears only so that you can see that I am human and imperfect too. I am not always able to look at the bright side, or find the silver lining in everything. I am no Pollyanna.

But... this is what it is. Sometimes, to get by, we just have to suck it up and take the most readily available option, until we can move up to something better.

Just don't do drugs or prostitution, kids! (By the way, I'm now a guest writer for Street Voices, how cool is that? After depressing interviews like this, at least I can head over to Starbucks and make believe, a little, that I'm a "writer", haha. So, there's still a little fun out there for me. Thanks, Matt!)

Not Much

Very little to report today. It's raining again, so I'm happy! It's all nice and cool and refreshing outdoors, and I'm camped out at Starbucks in my snuggly plaid PJ bottoms and year-old Sweeney Todd sweatshirt, passing as just another college student :)

I was called for an interview tomorrow, huzzah! This will be the one. I can feel it. Well... I hope so, anyway.

Random Lighting Tip: If you are living in a car or an RV without electricity hookup, you can have enough light to read by at night. Purchase one of those bigger flashlights (the really chunky ones!) and stand it on its end. The light will reflect off of the ceiling and illuminates far better than candles (safer, too - candles can accidentally set stuff on fire). Plus, the batteries in those suckers last FOREVER. I have been using mine all week, and still running great!

Fezzik isn't a fan of the rain. It means no park visit for him and he's gotta stay in the trailer :`( Poor boy. I woke up this morning to a giant, droopy, sad-eyed face peering dejectedly over the side of the cot, as his tail thumped out a funereal mantra. He knew. Sigh.

So yeah, not much today, and tomorrow is going to be crazy busy with multiple errands, and Friday is my birthday; I'm taking full advantage of Disney's new "free admission on your b-day" policy, so I may step off my soapbox for a day or two, and just drop in the occasional quick update. I don't know that I have many readers just yet, so probably no psychostalkers out there, but if there are, now you know my exact location on Friday - Disneyland (where I would never actually pay to go, I used to work for The Mouse via subcontractor and hate them with a passion... but who am I to pass up an opportunity to mooch free stuff from them?) Anyway, if you're a psychostalker looking to chain me up in your dungeon and make me your unwilling sex slave, good luck finding me among the other 20,000 people there! *sticks out tongue and blows raspberries in the face of danger*

Actually, that was probably unwise. *hastily takes back the raspberries*

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Edit: My pal Dwight just texted to me that he got a new job!!!!! Congratulations, Dwight! Here's to being well-paid in this crap economy! Now let's go out tomorrow and get that house! We won't take "no" for an answer!

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Edit 2: Oh, man. I so wish that I had patience for working with people who hate/scream at me. Because I could see this being an incredibly interesting job:

http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/npo/1060413314.html
http://dreamlifeguardian.com/employment.html

Alas, probably not my area of expertise. But still, can you see a job like this ever getting boring?! It'd probably be like working in the Winchester Mystery House!

Mental Health

It's a heartache. Bonnie Tyler told me so.

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So, I've had to scale back on a lot of expenses since this ordeal began, and I'm sure I'll find a lot more that I have to cut back on. Yet, I've kept my therapist. Only in California, right?

Therapy always made me really nervous. I looked askance at the idea for many years, due to a bad childhood experience. My parents had dubbed me a "problem child" and dragged me to a shrink at the age of 9, when I suddenly dropped from an A+ GATE student to a D below-average. She seemed nice and asked me some questions. I wasn't completely sure why I was there, but I answered them. She asked my parents some questions. I ate the cookies she gave me. To sum up her opinion rather succinctly, she thought my parents were a bit crazy, and had more of a hand in my decline than they were letting on. They dragged me out of there and that night I was screamed at and beaten for "answering the questions wrong".

Since then, I was leery of this psychiatry thing. Certainly, if I ever went back, someone would blame me again for something.

I was a relatively good kid/teenager. I got excellent grades through high school, never even experimented with a single drug, didn't drink until I turned 21 and then only socially, never been drunk, never snuck out or partied... you get the picture. But a few months ago, it became clear that several issues in my past were coming out of the woodwork and affecting my day-to-day life, and even my sleeping habits. The fact that I had just lost my job to layoffs didn't help matters, and I started spiraling downwards into depression. A friend who recently got her human services degree referred me to a local mental health hotline (211 Orange County) that could set me up with a therapist on a sliding scale. I decided I'd go once, so I could prove to myself that therapy was as I remembered it.

I was set up with the most fantastic counselor. She is an incredibly wise woman, and I realized that there was someone out there who would listen to me unconditionally. I could pour out all of my "crazy" to this woman, and she didn't find it crazy at all. The fact that my life sounded like a twisted soap opera didn't seem to faze her. She believed me! Finally, after years of hearing that I was a deviant and a lost cause, that I was impossible to love, someone found me intelligent and capable; saw good qualities in me that even I didn't know were there. I am not perfect, and I still have plenty of flaws, to be sure, but when we discuss them it is always calmly and rationally, and she gently guides me towards new ideas/perspectives/conclusions without blaming, or being harsh and judgmental.

Now, more than ever, I need this kind of support. It is so easy to fall into depression just in regular, everyday life, especially with the current state of the world. When you are homeless, it is about twelve jillion times worse. You can find yourself dwelling on how you got here, how it might have been different, will you ever get out of this... The hours seem long and you can lose all concept of time and days of the week, because there's nothing to measure them by but this stretching, lonely ennui. I've been homeless for about a week, and I already know this. I can only imagine it gets worse the longer and more hopeless your situation seems. After therapy, I feel lighter, like I've just unloaded all the worry and fear that I was carrying around with me. Life always seems easier to face after I leave that office. No matter how tight for money I get, I will always set aside that small amount for my weekly therapist visit - I wish that I had caved and gone to therapy years ago. I wasted a lot of time that could have been put towards becoming a better version of myself.

If you're homeless and feel the need for counseling, there are free/cheap programs and resources available to you. If you're in the Orange County area, you can dial 2-1-1 and be connected to the hotline I mentioned above. A national directory of mental health resources and services can be found here and here. Need resources outside of the U.S.? Google "mental health" and the name of your country/province. If one particular therapist doesn't work for you, you don't like their approach, whatever, you can ask for another until you find someone you click with. Compatibility is key, just as it would be in any other relationship based on trust and confidentiality. I would recommend that everyone try it at least once anyway, but particularly if you are in this kind of life-changing circumstance. Your mental health is so important, and is just another resource that you should do everything possible to protect. It's your mind that will go the furthest in transitioning you out of homelessness. Take care of it. You are not as alone as you think.

Reaching California EDD Massively Sucks

This is the exact problem that I have been having all morning trying to get through to the California Employment Development Department:

Californians Battle Swamped State Phone Lines to Get Jobless Benefits

Yes, all morning. We're talking over five hours of back-to-back phone calls. The EDD doesn't even put you in a "hold" queue until a representative is available, you just get a recorded message essentially saying "there's a lot of calls, sucks to be you, try back later!" and then... disconnection.

Bastards.

I haven't received my extended benefits forms yet. The EDD website says to call if you haven't received them within 10 days. It's been over 2 weeks and I could really use the funds. I have tried various number combos posted online to get through, none of them are working... On one forum, they suggested calling the foreign language line - I just may try it, because nothing else is getting me to a representative.

Anyway, if anyone else out there is feeling like bashing your head against a wall over this, you are not alone.

Short post, maybe I'll update later tonight... my therapist just called to inform me that I forgot my session this morning, so I frantically rescheduled and now I'm running over there. Yes, I know. Homeless with a shrink. Only in California ;) Maybe this evening, when things settle down, I'll go into why although I've pared down a lot of stuff in my life due to this circumstance, I feel good mental health is more important than ever, and is worth continuing to pay for.

Job Searching and the Almighty Dollar

It's raining today. God, I love the rain. You don't see it much in Orange County.

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Quick note: Please check out Homeless Tales, the brainchild of Matt Barnes from the UK. I spent several hours last night browsing through the stories that compile his Street Voices Project, and I was fascinated by the work of the various contributers. Matt and his writers are doing their utmost to raise awareness of this social issue, and to put faces to the various homeless out there, no matter their circumstances. I have a huge amount of respect for their work and send out my kudos to them. If you haven't already been, please check out Homeless Tales!

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Once your most basic needs (shelter, food, and water) have been met, your mind will naturally turn to money - the most important long-term solution to get you out of this.

I mentioned before, I'm not a fan of panhandling. Many homeless people out there are mentally ill/addicts and feel this is their only recourse. I am not judging those individuals. They are humans as well and deserving of compassion and assistance - medical and rehabilitory assistance in addition to food and shelter. However, I have always worked and I am fully capable of continuing to work. I will not panhandle or beg for money. There are many less fortunate homeless people who do not have the advantages I have, who cannot/do not know how to care for themselves, and who need those contributions more than I do. If you are homeless and reading this blog, that means you have figured out how to access a computer - so chances are pretty high that you are self-reliant and have at least some rudimentary skills that qualify you to find yourself money without panhandling.

First of all, sell any assets that you will not need or that do not have irreplaceable sentimental value (i.e., your grandmother's wedding ring). If you have a laptop and phone and vehicle, obviously those are things that will come in useful to you. Items like furniture, decor, TV, stereo, etc. are not necessary and can be easily replaced once you are back on your feet. Only you can decide what you are willing to give up, but you will find that material belongings count for very little when you need to buy food and gasoline, or come up with enough money to put down a rental deposit so you can get off of the street. I have built up a collection of fine vintage clothing for several years - guess what's happening to that? I'm eBaying it off, piece by piece.

As an immediate/temporary solution, you may be able to apply for Unemployment Insurance (UI), State Disability Insurance (SDI), Social Security Disability, Supplemental Security Income (SSI), State Supplementary Payments (SSP) or welfare/food stamps. This guy I mentioned in a previous post has listed the various ins and outs of applying for these programs, including various rules and loopholes. There's nothing I can say here on those topics that he hasn't already, so visit his site and review your available options.

If you are not disabled in any way and are physically and mentally capable of working - find a job. Yes, the economy is in the toilet right now. Salaries have been slashed by about 20% on average. But there are jobs out there, even if competition is stiff for some of the higher-paying ones. If you are educated and formerly held a prestigious position - get over it. You may not be able to find something comparable to your last job right now. You may need to wait for the economy to right itself. Do not be too proud to take a lower-paying or less glamorous job in the interim. I did very well for myself in my former life and got every single job I ever interviewed for, but guess what? Right now I'm homeless, and although I have sent out hundreds of applications, the fish aren't biting. This means that I need to be willing to take anything that comes along (unless it pays less than my UI, in which case I would be shooting myself in the foot - you can't file for UI and work at the same time).

If you can find under-the-table work here and there, that is awesome. You are paid in cash and there is no record going to the IRS, so they can't tax you. This means that you can collect some supplemental income and still file for UI, if that is applicable to your situation. Many small business owners will pay under-the-table.

Search on Craigslist.org, Monster.com, CareerBuilder.com, and any other job board you can find. If you have a professional-looking photo of yourself in business attire, attach it to every cover letter you e-mail out. Try to stand out from the sea of nameless, faceless applicants. Distinguish yourself. When hiring managers can put a face to the name, they are more likely to think of you as a person, and remember you when it comes down to weeding through the candidates and deciding who to bring in for interviews.

If you have never had a job, or are super-young and have no previous job experience, search for "entry-level" jobs. These are jobs that require no formal training. Apply at grocery stores, restaurants, retail chains; hell, apply to be the person in the oversized chicken suit outside of Chick-Fil-A! Apply to be the person in the Chuck-E suit at Chuck-E-Cheese. For many of these jobs, you don't have to apply online - walk right into an establishment and ask to speak to the manager. You may have the front desk person/receptionist/hostess ask you what this is regarding. Don't tell them up front that it's regarding applying for a job, they'll just try to re-route you, or hand you an application to fill out. You want the manager to actually meet you so that you get a chance to make an impression. If they tell you the manager is not available and try to hand you an application to get rid of you, ask to make an appointment to speak to the manager directly. Make sure that every time you visit the establishment, you are clean and well-dressed. Make sure your interview suit/dress is modest, in fashion, and unwrinkled. Do whatever you have to, just find a job and save as much of each paycheck as you can.

At no point during a job search should you tell anyone that you are homeless. It may be tempting to milk your circumstances for sympathy, but DON'T. It will rarely work. The vast majority of society has built-in prejudices against the homeless. If you look like a bum, people will treat you like a bum. If you don't look like you a bum, are well-dressed/qualified/articulate, but tell people you are homeless, they are still likely to treat you like a bum. Do not appeal to your interviewer in this manner. Never appear desperate. Project confidence and prepare for every interview hours or even days in advance. Find the company's website and read up on their mission statement, their philosophy, their history, and then drop nuggets of that into your responses to interview questions, so that hiring managers will know you have done your research on the company, will fit in well, and really want to work there.

That is the most important thing in an interview - you may be the most qualified person on the planet, but if you aren't particularly interested in the job or the company, they will hire someone less qualified who is. This may be a job you are just taking until you can get something better when the economy improves, but they don't need to know that. As far as an interviewer is concerned, this is your dream job and you will stay here until retirement, OK? You can always change your mind after you get the job and something better comes along. That is not illegal. But you need something right now, so stretch the truth if you must. Lie a little and say that you see yourself working your way up from a cashier at McDonalds to management at their corporate office. Stress your loyalty to your employer. This doesn't mean you have to stay there forever. You just need a job right now, do whatever you must to get it.

While job searching, look for other means to come up with extra money. You can sell belongings, as I've already noted. Or take a particular talent and start an e-business with it. I run a modest resumé-writing business on the side populated with friends and clients who have no idea that I am homeless. Set yourself up a webpage at Starbucks or the public library, and put your talents to good use. Promote yourself on Craigslist, Twitter, MySpace, or any one of hundreds of online resources. Invest in some cheap flyers and post them on college boards, community boards, Starbucks boards, anywhere you can. Market yourself.

Look into mystery shopping, or marketing companies who will pay you to stand around and promote their products. I did this a couple of years ago for extra cash on the side. I was one of those people who stood behind a table at Costco and handed out free samples on the weekends. You can laugh, but do you know how much I made doing that? $25/hour.

If you are a female in your 20s and you have no moral objection, you may want to look into donating your eggs (a lot of college students do it). You don't need to be a supermodel astrophysicist to do this (I certainly can't claim to be one, I'm just a spunky, cute-ish kid with a good head on her shoulders and a fair amount of common sense)! Many prospective parents out there are just looking for a donor who is physically reminiscent of them, and isn't a carrier for any major diseases or disabilities. I went to check out this opportunity today. I found an agency who is putting me in their database; if I am chosen as a donor, my first-time fee will be $5,500, plus all medical expenses. Keep in mind, if you pursue this option, it pays well for a reason. Sperm donors only get about $75 a pop because their donation process is quick, easy, painless, and pleasurable. For women, you EARN that money. It is a roughly 2-month long process involving self-injected hormones, monitoring appointments, psychological evaluations, and possible side effects. Take all of this into consideration before you make the decision. Personally, I have found that people have the remarkable ability to do things that they never thought they'd be able to do in dire circumstances. I never thought that I'd be able to ransack through a blood-and-brain-splattered suicide scene either, but I ended up having to do just that when my biological father shot himself in January, because my other family members were too queasy to do it, and someone had to. Take a hard look at yourself and decide what you are willing/able to do and where you draw your boundaries, and then stick to them.

There are opportunities to earn money honestly if you search for them. So many people out there are throwing their hands up in the air and blaming the sucky economy for not being able to find work. Don't be proud. Do what you must. Consider every alternative. You're homeless and jobless, do you really have anything better to do? Your job is to find a job.

Quickie: Laguna Beach - Homeless Can Sleep There!

City's Homeless Can Sleep On Beach, For Now

Laguna Beach recently repealed a law prohibiting sleeping on public property, following a civil rights lawsuit alleging that it criminalized homelessness. One more option for you if you're an OC resident looking for a place to sleep without being harassed by police. As always, be safe and don't isolate yourself if you can avoid it.

Food

Before I start today's post, I just wanted to provide a link to this guy I just discovered: http://www.ihatemylife.us/. He spent a year homeless in Los Angeles County. He has a great list of free resources such as government programs, shelters, medical care, legal aid, etc (not all are in the L.A. area, many are national)! Check out his website, I am learning a lot from it myself.

Food and water. Besides sleep, they're the most basic needs you've got. Water is pretty easy to find free - drinking fountains, public sinks, etc. Food can be trickier.

You'll find that the cheapest items, that will fill you up the most, are not necessarily the healthiest for you. Which is fine if you aren't particularly concerned about being healthy - knock yourself out! You'll find that you can get über-filling fast food items for $1 or less at Taco Bell or those Burger Kings that serve 99 cent whoppers. If you don't have any money, you can always wander streets and parking lots looking for change. A few coins can buy you some rice, pasta, or ramen. These items are incredibly cheap, filling, and will last a while. Sooner or later, though, you may find yourself getting a bit chubby, and your health is a valuable asset that can help you weather your homeless experience.

There are soup kitchens out there that provide free food for the poverty-stricken. I've been to one once. A lot of these soup kitchens are run by churches, and require you to listen to a sermon or join in a prayer before you are provided with food. Only you can decide if you are OK with this. I was raised in an incredibly strict religion (I won't specify which, but the initials are J.W.) that follows a very literalist interpretation of the Bible, and utilizes practices such as male dominance, absolute conformity, and shunning of those who doubt or refuse to conform. Some have called it a cult; out of respect to family and acquaintances who follow this religion and find happiness in it, I will not refer to it as such. I will only say that since learning to think for myself rather than being told what to believe, I have found myself incredibly disillusioned with organized religion in general. My personal feelings are that I would be a hypocrite to accept aid from a church organization, in exchange for sitting and pretending to listen to the religion that they are trying to force-feed me. You may have no such qualms. Or, you may actually be a Christian, so such methods would be in line with your beliefs. The point of this blog isn't to criticize your beliefs, or to provoke religious debate. It is just to provide tips from my personal experiences that may help you in a dire circumstance.

Some soup kitchens and shelters are not religiously affiliated, so if that is of concern to you, look for one of these general community resources. Another thing that I have found helpful is looking up hotels and motels that include free breakfasts with their services. Find out what time breakfast starts and just show up. If you are dressed decently and smell clean, the chances are high that no one will notice that you are there, or that you aren't staying at that hotel. Note: hotels and motels are actually great resources for other items, such as ice and hygiene supplies. I'm ashamed to admit this, but on family vacations, my mother used to send my sister and I from floor to floor in the mornings, when the housekeepers were restocking rooms. Housekeepers leave their carts full of shampoo/conditioner/soap/body wash/paper towels/toilet paper/etc. in the hallways while they clean each room. Despite my protestations, my sister and I would gather up bags of "free" toiletries from each cart - sometimes there would be two or more maids on each floor. To this day, my mother has bags and bags worth of hotel supplies in her closet, many years' worth. There are also free ice machines outside of motels, if you have a tub or a bucket, you can fill up on ice for water, or just to help you keep cool on a hot day. Incredibly tacky? Yes, I suppose, but if you're homeless and you don't have any money, it's an option. I've never been caught while doing this; it takes a maid a while to clean a hotel room. If you are caught, you may be asked to leave, but no one is going to prosecute you for taking a few complimentary toiletries. Like I've previously said, bend the rules a little if you must, just don't do anything blatantly prosecutable.

If you do have a little money or a souce of income (such as a job or unemployment), then check out local farmers' markets. They are generally held regularly, on certain days of the week. You can get fresh and affordable fruits and vegetables. Another option is checking out grocery stores and produce markets in neighborhoods that tend to have a high concentration of Latino residents. The produce in these markets tends to be very affordable and fresh - I recently found a produce market on the way to my gym where you can get 4 lbs. of tomatillos for $1.00, 3 lbs. of tomatoes for $1.00, etc. Come up with a dollar, and you could have enough fruit/veggies to last you for several days!

There's also the 99 cent store. Some of the stuff in there is a real bargain, some of it is crap; if you explore, you can find out which. Sometimes their produce is several days old and starting to go bad; you can avoid this by asking them what day of the week and time they generally put out new stuff. Shop on this day. You can find everything in 99 cent stores - food, makeup, shampoo, conditioner, other toiletries, tools, car maintenance supplies, etc. You can get 8 packets of Ramen there for 99 cents.

I'm not big on the idea of freeganism (dumpster-diving), but there's a whole subculture around it. I'm worried about germs, odor, plus the fact that going through a dumpster is generally a dead giveaway that you just may be homeless. People going through dumpsters attract attention, and you really do just want to blend in. However, if this is a viable option for you, by all means have at it. Good luck staying under the radar, though.

The simple truth is that there are a ton of options out there for food and sustenance for the homeless, you just have to know where to look. Resourcefulness. Cultivate it. It pays.